One question I’d like to ask fellow mothers is: when did you fall in love with your baby?
This can be a hard question because books say (and society expects) for you to fall in love at the first sight (sight of positive home pregnancy test, ultrasound result, or newborn baby). Some mothers do experience that but some don’t. And those who don’t might feel pressured or confused or guilty, and these feelings can lead to baby blues. Unidentified prolonged baby blues can turn into post-partum depression. So you see now how my question can be a tough question to answer honestly.
I personally didn’t fall in love with my son at the first sight and I did experience baby blues. The two had no causative relation but were equally worrying.
I felt blue because of a number of reasons. One of them is that things didn’t go to my birth plan. (I know birthing process has a life of its own but for a control freak, this freaked me out!) My 27-hour-long early labor that ended with a caesarean *and* endometriosis operation was a guarantee to a long recovery time. I didn’t cry when I saw my baby for the first time. But tears came down my eyes as Matthew and I decided to move forward with the C-section. “This is not what I wanted,” I cried. (Matt’s note: I did cry when I saw our son for the first time, for the record.)
Emotionally, I couldn’t be too excited about the new baby because I was still mourning the loss of my mother-in-law. She was and is still alive, but she lost her memory completely and suddenly. We never had the chance to say goodbye to her lucid self. She had prepared Ray’s christening present before she fell ill. I haven’t opened it yet, but it will surely be treasured.
So yeah, it was hard for me to “feel” anything towards my child other than the logical thoughts to protect and keep him healthy. I just saw him as a responsibility. I know Matthew often tells me that I’m callous (half the time he’s being serious) but I thought I should feel something!
One morning when he was 11 days old, I noticed his right eye had some gunk. I wiped it off and wiped it off again. It got worse. Apparently it was an infection and my midwife aunt told me to just give it a couple of drops of my breast milk and it should be fine in a few days.
I realized it was his first illness and he looked weak and rather awful with pus coming out of his swollen red eye. I looked at him for a long time, at his imperfect face. At that point I learned that I do love him and I love him unconditionally.
You see, I don’t like kids and I especially don’t like ugly kids, so I must have been in love with my son even with his poor eye. Now, thanks to the miraculous power of breast milk Ray is well and healthy (if fat and mushy), and I love him to death.